In the book I got, the "Invisible Heroes" one, it talks a lot about how the trauma survivor becomes more in touch with the right side of their brains after the trauma. In a lot of ways, trauma actually rewires the brain in different ways to where the right side of the brain is strengthened. Knowing this can help a lot with healing, because it can help the individual become more in touch with themselves and their experiences while actively healing from them. Imagery is the best healing method known for this reason.
I've been working with imagery since I've learned that, and it's really been helping. I've found that when I've realized I'm starting to dissociate, there are things I can do to help myself reconnect with my body. The first one, which I discovered myself and expanded upon, is to sit somewhere, close my eyes, and count ten slow breaths. While doing it, I visualize what I am wearing, where I am, and what's around me - in vivid color, detail, and feeling. By the time I reach ten, I'm calm and in control. It also helps when I'm entering into a panic attack. Another thing I found, which I read in the book, is to close my eyes, breathe slowly, and visualize a type of spirit presence (I see it as a type of concentrated aura) that starts in the head, then moves slowly down the body, until it reaches the ground and is swallowed up. It helps me to get back into my body when I feel as if I'm 'floating away' to watch things from a corner.
Now, on to the reason I thought to write this.
Last night, before I went to bed, I was just feeling generally crappy. It was one of those nights where I just knew was going to end up having a flashback. So I'm laying in bed, eyes closed, and I decide to try a new type of imagery. It was the weirdest but best sensation I've had. I completely forgot that I was doing imagery, and actually started believing it was real. I'm getting ahead of myself though. But here's what I ended up Seeing.
I was facing the door to my room, and I heard a rustle of movement. A faint, pulsing light started growing brighter and brighter by me, fanning out, until there was a woman by me. She radiated a sense of warmth and caring from her, and I instinctively knew that I had no reason to be afraid. She was beautiful, with blonde hair that draped across a part of her face, coming to rest by her cheek. She took my hand in hers - I realized she wasn't solid, but yet still there. I could put my hand through hers, but yet it wasn't a chilly, clammy feeling I got when doing so, but a soft, caring immaterial touch. This woman - this angel - held my hand in hers and whispered to me, "Don't worry. You are safe. I am here with you. Nothing can hurt you anymore. You are beautiful, you are strong. You will heal, and I will be here with you. You may not always see me, but I will always be right beside you, protecting you." She put her hand on my forehead, and a golden light appeared, growing, until it was a little ball of light. It grew, expanding through my whole body, down to my toes - everywhere. As it covered the final parts of my body, it suddenly exploded outwards to where it formed a shining, golden outline a few feet from me, encircling my body. The light pulsed brightly, then disappeared. I realized that the angel had protected me - that because of this protection, nobody could hurt me again. I started to cry, but not tears of sadness and shame for once, but tears of happiness and joy. Then my door opened, and a figure darker than the darkest of night entered my room, coming towards me. I knew who it was. The angel stood up and said to the figure, "It is not yet your time. Your time has passed. Leave her be." Her light shone brighter and brighter, until the darkness was eaten up by the light. The figure was gone, and I was safe. By this time, I fully realized that by the Protection I had been given, I could not be hurt by the darkness. Crying again, I thanked her, and asked, "What is your name? Please, I must know." The angel smiled at me and told me, "You will know my name when the time has come. Just know that I am with you, and will always be with you, even when you cannot see me." Her light began to grow dimmer, until she disappeared. Yet, I knew she was there - just lurking out of sight, watching over me.
I woke up this morning without having any nightmares, remembering the Light that protected me.
And I know, I am safe. If that was imagery, it was amazing. Yet it feels like more than that - it feels almost tangible and real. Maybe it was.
I can feel the Light's aura inside of my chest, reminding me of its presence.