Rachel Grace (invisiblepast) wrote,
Rachel Grace
invisiblepast

I'm disgusted at myself. I feel like I've just hit this unpassable brick wall. Like I'm just running up to it again and again, bashing my head into the stone, hoping that somehow I'll even make a dent, because it's too hard to climb, and I keep falling back down again. I don't know how long it's going to take me to realize that physical pain, physical pleasure, whatever, isn't going to help me heal myself when I'm just using it to escape. After trying to escape, I just sit here, guiltier than before, just absolutely disgusted. I don't know... am I even explaining myself clearly?

It's been over two years now since that last time... it's so weird to think of that, because I don't remember the last time I went over two years. Was it before I turned six? Or even earlier than that? Or have I never gone two years without something happening? And yet, with each day that passes, I don't feel a sense of accomplishment, relief, or happiness... I just feel dread. I feel like nothing matters... I'm going to be raped again anyhow. And I don't know why I'm thinking like that. It's awfully pessimistic of me, and I'm not generally a pessimist. It's just... I've always had a sort of "sixth sense" in regards to these kind of things... I always know when something bad is going to happen, or when something bad has happened to somebody I care about. I don't know how, either. I can probably pick up subtle signals from people or something. But this... it's just so utterly unfounded! It's maddening!!! I'm just expecting it to happen, and wondering if, when it does, I'll actually have the courage to tell somebody this time. *headdesk*

I still can't sleep all that well either... I'm always having dreams of some sort. Even on the nights that I don't have nightmares (or, at least that I remember), I'm always dreaming that I'm doing something very active. When I wake up, I still feel tired, as if I haven't slept - after all, I've been running or jumping or swimming or whatever all night long. Sigh. One of these days, it'll get better... but until then, I'm driving myself crazy, or at least, moreso than I already am.

Well, if this makes no sense, it's probably because I haven't slept in over two and a half days. Blah.
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