November 9th, 2005

Trust

A Little About Me

Here's just a little about me.

I had a pretty good life up until about the time I turned seven.

Cut for descriptions of abuse - if you do not want to read this part, please skip itCollapse )

I started 7th grade at a new school, and for the first time ever, found a wonderful group of friends that I would trust with my life. Things were pretty normal for me, except that I would freak out whenever anybody came up behind me, I couldn't stand being in a completely silent place, I needed to know where everybody was at every moment, and I was extremely uncomfortable with getting hugs or anything from my parents (I think because I had the mentality that they didn't protect me when they said they always would... yet how would they know if I never told them? Another guilt trip...). I didn't know why any of these things were happening.

The first time I thought something might be wrong was when I was asked to do a project on my life, and I couldn't remember anything from first to sixth grade. I had to make up a whole bunch of stuff. It was only at the beginning of the ninth grade that some of my supressed memories came to light. I had always wondered why I had been extremely uncomfortable around one person in our group. I knew that the person looked a lot like one of my old "friends", but I didn't think anything of it. In ninth grade, I found out that one of my friends had been molested as a child. She didn't make a big deal of it, so I didn't really think much of it. That night when I got home, I was writing about it in my journal, and I had a sudden flash of first grade, and what had happened. It scared me so much. I began to look through all of my old journals I kept, and found the one I had used from fourth to sixth grade, talking about the person who had abused me then. It didn't go into detail at all, but in it I still found out that I was really uncomfortable around a certain person. One of the entries just said "______ hurt me again today. I'm scared." I then saw those two snapshots in my mind's eye. I had an answer to why I was so uncomfortable around that one person in our group - the person looked quite a lot like my abuser.

It never seems to endCollapse )

I'm in the ninth grade now. I'm still trying to heal, but it's so hard. I know the emotional scarring will never heal for me. I just want to live each day as if it never happened. Nobody knows I was abused, save my abusers and me. I am finally getting some of that out here. Nobody who knows me has any idea that I have this account as well as my normal one. I'm going to just continue to let them think that my past was normal. I'm just not ready to tell anybody yet. I still have not figured out why I'm here on this earth. So many times I feel as if my mind is separated from my body or something (I know that probably sounds strange). It's been getting harder and harder for me to live my life. So many times I just want my life to end, but somehow, I just manage to look up out of the pit I'm in, and see that as long as I am at the bottom, there is nowhere to go but up.

-Rachel Grace
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