Trust

(no subject)

Cross-posted to _survivors_

I got to thinking this morning...

I daydream. A LOT. I notice that I do it at times when I'm feeling stressed out about one thing or another. I never remember what's going on in the real world at those times. Sometimes people see me, for instance, waving at somebody who isn't there (not that it's like a hallucination - I'm daydreaming that a person is there, and I'm waving at them). I'll start thinking of ways to hide something I don't want people to find... something that only exists in my daydream. I've done this as long as I can remember.

It just made me start to think... could this be a mild form of disociation? I know I disociate sometimes, just to the point where I'm feeling kind of spacey and disconnected from everything - to where I forget even the things I've really been looking forward to doing.

It's starting to become a real problem.. I never remember things I was told to do, and thus get in trouble for not doing them. Or, at school, I'll miss an entire lesson - even if it was something I was looking forward to hearing about. It's like I'm thrown into a dream, and can't get out.

What do you think?
Trust

(no subject)

If you all could take a few minutes and pray, I'd really appreciate it.

A boy from my brother's Boy Scout troop was in a really bad accident late this afternoon. He is described as being in "very critical condition", and his sister is in critical condition. As of right now, we don't know if he's expected to live, and if so, if he will ever recover.

Please pray for the boy and his sister, as well as for the family and friends as they go through this difficult time. Also pray for my brother and myself as we try to find out who this boy is, and if we know him.

Thank you so much.

-Rachel Grace
Trust

(no subject)

Hey everybody!

I'm actually doing an update for once! Hah. Well, I updated yesterday, so I guess what I'm saying is that I'm actually updating two days in a row - a first, I think.

I just neeed to share this all with you:

I BROKE THE SILENCE!!!

You guys all know just how important that is - a real step in healing. I guess I'm just really amazed that I could actually go through with talking about it. You know I was worried about that yesterday.

So... let's see. It was kind of awkward at first, knowing that whatever was said would inevitably lead to a discussion that I was afraid to have.

I finally decided to write it out and show it to my friend. I was doing pretty good... but then I got all emotional. I guess I knew that would happen. :) Oh well. Guess what I found out? The friend of mine is also a survivor! I was not expecting that at all. WOW. That's all I can say, really.

I'm on a kind of emotional high/low right now, if that makes sense. It's all kind of... fresh again. But that's really okay right now.

-Rachel Grace
Trust

(no subject)

Hey! Sorry I haven't updated in a bit.

The camp went fine - WAY better than I expected. My assaulter was not there, so really, it was a time for me to confront my old fears and grow. I think I healed the most in that week than I have in a long time.

I've noticed something that I know is a direct effect of my abuse. I am terrified, and I mean TERRIFIED of telling people ANYTHING. It's quite absurd actually. I can't tell people what happened in a book. I can't tell people what part of a movie I liked best. I can't write personal thoughts in my diary - it's completely people-safe, full of things like, "I went to so-and-so's party today. It was a lot of fun. I hung out with so-and-so pretty much the entire time, and we ate way too much chocolate." Stuff that probably wouldn't be altogether too incriminating if found. My parents have also noticed this, and are getting angry, to say the least. I'm keeping pointless things a secret for no reason other than the fact that I can't be vulnerable - I must be strong all the time. I can't let other people see negative emotions. Once in a blue moon, it will happen, but I just CANNOT let myself tell people anything.

I took a blind leap today, and talked about that with a friend of mine. She ended up getting around to asking me what the root of the problem was. I, of course, know what it is, but I told her that it "wasn't something I want to talk about online." She was amazingly loving and caring about my inability to talk about whatever my "deep, dark secret" might be. Somehow she persuaded me to come over to her house tomorrow. We're going to have a whole chick flick day, and talk. I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to tell her about my abuse. I've just decided that it's something I HAVE to do. I'm really scared though. I've dreamed for so long of breaking the silence. I never believed that I'd actually do it.

Does anybody have any suggestions for how to go about talking about it? How do I keep myself calm? I'm so afraid.

-Rachel Grace
Freedom

(no subject)

Ugh. My email is still not working. So, if you have been emailing me, I'm still getting that all worked out.

Anyhow, has anybody heard from Micky? I haven't heard from him on livejournal (don't know about email obviously), so I'm kind of worried. Micky, if you read this, how are you???

----

As for how my life is, it's going okay. I have an old friend who I know knows something happened in my past... she doesn't know what, but she's asked me about it. It's not that I don't trust her; it's more that I haven't seen her face-to-face in about four or so years. But the very fact that she's praying for me has somehow made even the dreams mellow out considerably. At least, I don't think it was complete coincidence that the number of abuse-related nightmares drastically dropped the night after I talked to her. I've only had one since then, and for the first time, I woke up and was able to say "That was a dream. You're okay; you don't need to be afraid of this anymore. It was just a dream," and forget about it to the extent where it doesn't bother me at all. I consider that a major improvement.

Also, this coming week will "celebrate" the 2-year anniversary of when I met my assaulter (not the actual assault). I'm working at that same camp again; I will not allow myself to be afraid of going there because of what connections it may have to him. As in terms of my safety, I should be okay - there are people everywhere, and we have to check in with out stations every half hour per new regulations. We also have to have a buddy the entire time we're there, and even though I'll probably be paired with a guy, I've heard rumors that a few of my guyfriends are going to be there, so I'll see if I can work the system. The camp leader likes me anyhow (seeing as she lets me work there when it's meant to be worked by guys), so I don't see how it'll be any problem.

I guess, basically, I'm just so tired of hiding and avoiding these things, that now I'm just going to go out there and conquer my fears. Even if my assaulter ends up being there, I'll let him know that I'm not afraid of him. The camp is big enough though, that if I did see him, it would probably be in passing; the chances of us being assigned somewhere together are quite minute, if not virtually impossible.

Pray for my emotional strength during this coming week.

-Rachel Grace